life has always been a livimg nightmare & I don't wanna live it no more

Hello everyone my name is (NAME REMOVED BY EDITORIAL TEAM FOR LEGAL REASONS) I'm 23 (pushing 24) and have had the most difficult of lives to say the least! I have been through no end of pain suffering & torture & just need someone to talk to! To cut an extremelly LONG story short I was born asthmatic & with a very weak immune system (not a great start to life) I spent the first 11 years of my life ill all the time (hardly a day went by when I didn't have some illness or another) I suffered meningitis many times during the first few years of my life (it nearly killed me on one occasion) and also the asthma nearly claimed my life a few times. Also during my childhood I had to endure seeing my father smash my mothers head against the door frame of the living room, also my father treat me like a dog 9quite literally) commanding me to bark, roll over, play dead, give "my paw" etc etc etc... Then during my school years I was severely bullied, bullies not only threw nasty comments at me but they also beat me black & blue!!! Some ideas of the kind of things they did to me are as follows: I had them use a compass (you know the thing you use to draw circles with) to stab me in the corner of my eye, they smashed my head against the wall, threw a bike at me (it landed on top of me & left me bruised & battered) some of the older kids would pick me up & hook me onto the coat hooks & leave me hanging there, they'd also pucnch me, kick me & shove me to the ground etc etc etc... besides that they also stole my stuff too!! so as you can imagine that lot was difficult to live with as a child! but to top it off I had to watch my nana (NAME REMOVED BY EDITORIAL TEAM FOR LEGAL REASONS) deteriorate slowly & very painfully in front of my eyes over many long agonising years it was a traumatising experience for me which to some degree still haunts me now all these years later! my mum (due to my bullying) made me change schools (twice in total) but due to living in a fairly small area i was attacked by friends or relatives of bullies from my 1st school & also other kids who had nothing to do with the bullies at my 1st school. So eventually mum took me out of school all together & decided to teach me at home! She found an organisation called e.o (education otherwise) and joined them, they made sure I was following the national curriculum & a lady came down once a month to assess my work & give me more work for the coming month. Just when I thought things would get better, they took a turn for the worse!!! Social services went to court behind our backs & got an e.p.o (emergency protection order) to have me taken into foster care, like a bolt out of the blue social workers & cops were on our door & were trying to take me away. The broke down both the front & back door & dragged me away (quite literally by my hair) dragged me across the floor, outside & shoved me forcefully into a social workers car. my feet were hanging out of the door as they'd shoved me into the car & they slammed the door on my legs. I didn't even get a chance to get any footwear or belongings. (all this by the way just happened a couple of weeks after my nana (NAME REMOVED BY EDITORIAL TEAM FOR LEGAL REASONS) dying & a few weeks before my 11th birthday) While I was in care I was forced to go to a childrens unit (supposedly for children who have school phobia which I had) and while I was there I was drugged & ended up in a state similar to a coma!!! Luckily (some would say) I managed to come round & survived but in my opinion i would have been better off dead as my life has always sucked & has just gotten worse & worse as you'll find out when you read the rest of what i have to say after finally managing to leave foster care me & my mum (and dad) moved house to manchester & while there we suffered racial abuse (yes us white people get racial abuse too!) we had next door neighbours trying to put our windows in & a woman smashed my mum's head on another of our neighbours cars repeatedly! during my time living in manchester my great uncle (if you could call him that) put his hand on my leg when we were on a bus & while walking through the park with me after getting off the bus he tried to force me to kiss him I was 13 at the time! after 23 months in manchester we moved to Lincoln where I befriended a much older guy he owned a bike shop at the end of our little "alleyway" he tried to make me laugh & cheer me up whrn i was depressed due to my great grandma dying just 9 days after my 14th birthday, he managed to succeed in making me laugh & mum thought nothing of it (didn't really care to be honest, she'd become distant & was always violent temepered & would often hit me) she didn't care a man old enough to be my dad was talking to me & inviting me down to his little bike shop & over to his house. Just a few months later after he'd "gained my trust" he started to sexually abuse & assault me, this became more & more violent & happened several times a week, (DETAILS REMOVED BY EDITORIAL TEAM) this went on for a year & a half, when I told my mum she didn't care!!! I ended up having a nervous breakdown & suffered severe anxiety & depression & tried to self harm. My mum came into the kitchen as I was holding the knife trying to cut myself (it wasn't as sharp as I'd hoped) and she came up to me grabbed the knife off me & slapped me extremelly hard across the face & shouted at me, telling me not to be a selfish b*tch. I ran upstairs bewildered, crying & shaking. not much later I got hit by a car when out shopping one day, it left me rather shaken. besides all of these things (i wanna keep it as short as humanly possibly so as not to bore you or take up too much of your time) I was in a car/van crash which resulted in the van I was in spinning out of control & nearly hitting a lamppost (my side) the 1st man I love went back to the woman he'd loved & split up with a year & a half before i'd fallen in love with him, leaving me heartbroken & devastated. my grandma died, i fell in love for a second time, loved him for 4 & a half years & found out he was gay & was the most devastated I'd ever been in my entire life as I felt he was my soulmate. I went through another nervous breakdown due to this which left me dangerously underweight & unable to stomach food. I managed to slightly recover & fall for anbother guy (but not date him, but was hopeful he'd be mine, he was the perfect man for me) and now I've just found out he too is gay & now i'm devastated again!!! my great auntie was diagnosed with lung cancer (i had 2 cancer scares that year) this was the year I found out my 2nd love was gay! also that year my mum tried to knife dad & me, we fled to manchester to stay with my aunt & 2 men in balaclavas tried to kill us exactly 2 weeks later!!! my pervert "great uncle" trid to force me to kiss him again (while my auntie suffering cancer & weak was in the other room) My grandad has just died & I'm all alone sad depressed & want to curl up & die All i want is to have something nice happen to me for once, to find some decent friends & to fall in love with a decent man who isn't gay. is that much to ask for???